Applications from Ken Sande’s, Peacemaking for Families
Overcoming Conflict: *Highlighted Book-Peacemaking for Families by Ken Sande*
When people are faced with conflict in their relationship, it provides an opportunity for them to rest in the power of God. Experiencing conflicts in a relationship should be seen as a chance “to glorify God, to serve other people, and to grow to be like Christ.” We who profess to be Christians should imitate the character of Christ in all things. When we run into conflict, such circumstances grants us the privilege of glorifying God through the testimony that we give. In the Peacemaking for Families book, we are given a four-point conflict resolution system. This resolution system includes the points, “glorify God”; “get the log out of your own eye”; “go and show your brother his fault”; and “go and be reconciled” (Sande, 2002).
As we face conflicts of any kind, we first ought to desire “to glorify God” (Sande, 2002). We do this by remembering what God has done for us through Jesus Christ. In Romans 5:1-11, Paul explains to us as believers that we now have peace with God through faith. This peace that we have with God is due to our justification in Christ. Jesus Christ at the right time died for us; this was God’s love shown to us. When this view of the gospel takes place deep in our hearts, even in the midst of conflict, we can overcome sinful responses that do not please God. When we look to the gospel and remember what God has done for us in Christ, we are able to trust God and not ourselves in all of our conflicts. We will be empowered to obey God and imitate Christ with our actions (Eph. 5:1). When we are faced with conflict and we look to God obeying Him, our minds are set on godly desires; instead of responding sinfully, we respond lovingly toward our neighbors. When we look to God in obedience, we will also no longer be dependent on other people’s responses and be more content with our decisions because we know that we trusted and obeyed God even through difficulty. This should be our first aim, to please and honor God when conflicts arise.
As we face conflicts of any kind, second, we also ought to look to ourselves by seeking to “get the log out of our own eye.” We must truly examine ourselves in the conflict and confess our sins as well. We are commanded by Jesus in Matthew 7:5 to “first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Sande, 2002). This response is a difficult one for us but with God’s help, He will graciously grant us the ability to “recognize our weaknesses and encourage us to depend more on His grace, wisdom, and power” (Sande, 2002). Through these conflicts, God exposes our sinful behaviors for us, allowing us to have a greater perspective on them. With this new perspective, we then have the opportunity to confess our sins faithfully. If we take this approach to get the log out of our own eyes, the opportunity to accelerate the resolution of the conflict can take place. We will easily deal with our own sins, which contributed to the problem and will be able to confess them with the hope of forgiveness from the offended party. Taking responsibility for what one does in a dispute helps the other party to also take responsibility for their contribution to the dispute; this brings an atmosphere of ease and transparency. ‘Logs’ can take the place of many forms, one of those are the words that we say. When conflicts arise, one can involve words that might be hurtful to the other in the relationship; their words might be sarcastic, they might tend to complain or even tell lies. Another form of a ‘log’ can be the actions of that person. The person in the midst of a conflict could have contributed sins of commission or omission to lead them to where they are. They could have used unloving criticism, failed to keep commitments, resisted godly advice, or withheld mercy and forgiveness. Lastly, another form of a ‘log’ can be the “attitudes or motivations of a person” (Sande, 2002); these can include those that are negative and selfish. When seeking to remove these ‘logs’, as the person confesses their sins before God, they must also ask for new thoughts and new desires so that God can help them to change their words, actions and attitudes. This change will affect in us a greater opportunity to have restored relationships allowing for peace with one another.
As we face conflicts of any kind, third, we also must go and show our brother his fault. This step is done only after one has sought to take out the log from his eye. Being able to confront someone about their sin in a biblically loving manner allows for the party to serve the other in constructive ways. When another person confronts us in a loving manner, God can be using that person to help us solve our problems way better than we ever could have on our own. Doing this can also allow for the opportunity for burdens to be lifted up from that person’s life who might not have been able to do it on their own. Confronting someone lovingly can also bring that person to the realization of their contribution to the conflict providing the opportunity for them to repent and seek God’s help. Lastly, confronting someone lovingly can demonstrate a Christ-centered trust and obedience to others who might be watching you. This is especially true for couples that have children; children will often imitate their parents when they are faced in conflicts of their own. Those who desire to confront others should be careful to only speak words that build them up and not words that tear them down. They should also be careful to have good listening skills, which shows the other party that they understand the problem well. This opportunity to confront must also be planned well. With adequate planning, one will wait for the opportune time to confront the other person after they have spoken and without jumping to conclusions.
As we face conflicts of any kind, fourth, we should also “go and be reconciled” (Sande, 2002). Looking at the mercy of God in His providing of a substitute to take our place and to reconcile us back to Him, we ought to have a high view of forgiveness and reconciliation. In the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:12, Jesus gives us an example of prayer and tells us that we should ask God in our prayers to “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” (Sande, 2002). Here we see a great connection with God’s forgiveness of us and of our forgiveness toward others. God is intent on having us ready to forgive others (ex. Matt. 18:23-35, Col. 3:13). In this forgiveness, God desires that we do not offer temporary remission, but to consciously decide to fully forgive our offender. This opportunity of forgiveness provides a refreshed relationship breaking down walls, which separated each party, and uniting again a bond of peace and love. There must also be promises that are made for one to truly forgive another, one must promise not to think about the incident; one must promise not to bring up the incident again and use it against that person; one must promise not to talk to others about the incident; and one must not allow the incident to stand between all involved or hinder the personal relationships involved. Such forgiveness is modeled by God and should be imitated by us, His children.
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Reference: Sande, Ken, Raabe, Tom. Peacemaking for Families. Carole Stream, Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, 2002.
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